More random.

As I was cleaning out a bunch of crap in my house that reminded me of her, I stumbled upon an old folder that I used during my Cognitive Behavioral Therapy for my bipolar disorder/ social anxiety disorder. In it was a journal, mood charts, beliefs and reflections on my progress. For the first time I realized what she was missing that made me so different from her. It was DRIVE!

There was a time in my life where I was horribly depressed to the point of suicidal. I couldn't grasp the concept of being happy. A lot of my relationships and friendships up to that point I had subconsciously sabotaged. With social anxiety disorder, I tended to think for other people. I was highly suspicious, needy, and impulsive. Much of the same issues that borderline personality disorder struggles with. This drove people away from me. I also feared intimacy, and would discourage people from breaking through my super-imposed protective self by being extremely cold and stubborn. Eventually i became so distraught that I wanted out of my life, whatever that took. Thankfully I happened to pick up a book called "Overcoming Mood Swings" and read it and completed the assignments that it had me do.

I don't know what happened, or when I finally clicked, but I saw for the first times that it was MY behaviors that were causing the majority of my pain. I went to therapy, took my medication, and my life made a complete turn around. That book, therapy, and medication were all instrumental in my recovery, but i think the ONE thing that determined me breaking free, was my DESIRE and my DRIVE. I wanted to act ANYWAY other than the way I was acting. Deep down, I knew that I could change and wanted to. I don't think my exbpdgf ever made it that far, the dissonance was too extreme and she couldn't "face the ugly," and ran from it instead, blaming others and burning everyone and everything in her path.

Unfortunately, I think after my "awakening" I turned into a rescuer/caregiver/people pleaser. I always wanted to teach everyone else what I had learned. I think that was what attracted me the most to my exbpdgf, was that she was in desperate need of what I had mastered, and what more romantic of a setting than the knight in shining armor coming to save the princess in distress.

My therapist told me that in her 8 years of practice, she has never seen anyone put forth as much effort as I have in keeping this relationship alive. A part of my, resents this. I almost wish I would have dropped her in one of her times of crisis, maybe the pain would have been enough for her to seek therapy. But, I couldn't. I did the only thing I knew how to do: Fight like hell!

I know I have helped her out immensely. When I met her, she was a wreck, couldn't hold a job, cut her arms, never apologized or was accountable for anything, etc etc etc. Now it seems that she has at least some grasp of reality. But, I write this all EXTREMELY humble to say, there is absolutely nothing you can do to change or wake someone up who is suffering from a personality disorder. I really don't know what happened in my own life that made me *click* other than at the time, I was so depressed, so empty, so done.... that my only options were to find a way to get better, or commit suicide. There were many people in my life that helped me through my journey. Many of them I spat on when they tried to help. I am thankful for them, but really the only reason I got better was because I was sick of my false walled-up super-ego self and how it was turning people away and destroying my life.

After 3 years of rescuing her from her torment, putting off my own issues and concerns to create an environment that I thought would be conducive for her, and trying to save her from herself, I have come to the terms that I was probably doing the worst thing possible for her, which was preventing her from "facing the ugly." I did this because I thought I had the insight, I had been there, done that and recovered. But, i think this is one of life's lessons you cant just teach. She is going to have to learn it the hard way, knees skinned and knuckles bleeding.

You can lead a horse to water, force its head in the trough and make it swallow, but you cant stop him from accusing you of trying to drowned him.

This was exactly my exgirlfriend. Every loving touch was viewed as threatening, degrading and intrusive. The mere fact that I was a representation of recovery and hope, was condescending to her on how she viewed herself. And this pained her. We, the care-giving Nons, are a constant reminder to them of how broken they really are. That is why they fight us and that is why they eventually leave. It is also why they try and exploit your weaknesses and tear you down, time and again. The manipulations, the distortions, the anger and resentment.... its all just a ploy to level the playing field. It is because they feel unworthy, unlovable and disgraceful that they A) are envious of you for not being what they are, and B) think you must have ulterior motives, because who would want to be with someone so despicable as themselves.

Every time my ex broke up with me, she told me it was because she wanted a clean slate. I never really got what she was meaning about that until recently. I always thought she was meaning another guy who had a clean slate, and that I had "hurt" her too many times. Now, i realize that she, deep down, knows that she is broken, and knows and remember all the things she has done and said... and when she sees me, she is reminded of how "ugly" she really is. No one can tolerate that feeling for too long without desperately wanting out. Splitting, projective identification, etc are necessary for the borderline to temporarily thwart this feeling.

The next time you think that you were part of the problem, please be easy on yourself. I know I had my faults and contributed to a lot of pain, but this disorder existed long before me, and will continue to exist long after me, until she can somehow "face the ugly" and not run.