A lot of the books I have read seem to suggest that Borderlines are extremely hypersensitive. The theory goes like this: Somewhere in the BPDs life they experienced extreme trauma. Whether that be sexual abuse or never learning to relate to parents/siblings/world or even there is evidence that head trauma can cause BPD. Whatever the case, there seems to be mounting evidence that BPDs are trauma survivors.
One of the theories is that they become over-emotional/hypersensitive. They are so "aware" of their trauma that they are constantly battling these emotions. Therefore, they constantly are "Acting Out", cutting, and sexual promiscuous, in a way to self medicate the pain. The focus is BPD = Extreme Childhood Pain issues.They like to compare this to having 3rd degree burns all over their bodies. Any touch or feeling hurts and they are constantly hurting. There behaviors are nothing more than trying to soothe the pain. We will call this the Sunburn Theory.
I disagree. From observing my ex and reading deeper books on core trauma and how a surviver copes, I have leaned away from the emotional pain to more of a "emotional absence" theory. Trauma survivors experienced extreme pain once upon a time, and they learned to cope. Unfortunately their coping required some dysfunctional mechanisms to move on.
One of these was emotional absence. Sexual abuse victims often learn to dissociate, or emotionally and mentally "leave" while they are being victimized. The pain from extreme abuse is too much for the human psyche to handle, therefor survival mode kicks in and the person learns how to "remove" themselves from the situation, never REALLY experiencing the trauma. Unfortunately, this mechanism seems to be ingrained from then on. As humans, we need to "feel". Survivors of abuse learn to construct walls such as projection, splitting, dissociation, etc to never experience and "feel" the emotion in the first place. That is why it is so hard to "connect" with the BPD. The only thing that will ever get through these walls and numbness is [b]extreme[/b] stimuli.
As i stated earlier, we as humans define our existence by our experiences and how we felt by them. A person who truly cannot experience emotions becomes lost and confused. They are unable to identify with a "self". That is why there is so much drama. They are trying to connect with the "self". The borderline acts out to try and feel emotion, ANY EMOTION. They are so numb from learning how to survive trauma that they are literally incapable of experiencing simple emotions. If you have ever been on novocaine you can relate to how this effects the physical realm. After awhile you crave that sense of touch back because the numbness drives you insane. Borderlines are emotionally numb. It takes a sharp emotional "dagger" to cut through this numbness. When they cut, it is to prove that they exist, not relieve pain! When they have wild, crazy sex, it is to feel alive! An orgasm becomes an emotional awakening! But these are always temporary, and they feel numb again.
Its an endless cycle of drama. The push/pull, manipulations, mind games, etc etc etc, are just an attempt by the borderline to emotional connect with themselves. Because they cannot do this themselves, the reach out to others for help to "feel." They become emotional parasites, feeding off of others emotions! This is one of the only ways they can experience true emotion, by proxy. But, they can only hold these proxy emotions for so long until inevitably the numbness returns and the borderline loses touch with the "false self" and becomes emotionally dead again. The only way for a borderline to become truly cured, is for somehow,to become connected with their "self" and begin to experience emotions internally, not externally.
This is why Validation is so important. Validation helps borderlines identify with there emotions. Borderlines are unable to do this themselves, so they look to someone who is capable of emotional sensitivity to help them reason out their stimuli. When you argue with a borderline, you reject their attempt to experience emotion, forcing them back to their survival mode.
Sunday, August 30, 2009
Saturday, August 29, 2009
The Borderline Stigma
I think of it as a bit of an injustice the stigma that is attached to borderline personality disorder. I myself am even guilty of spreading this stigma. I guess that is one of the coping methods of us Non-borderline partners have in making sense of all the drama and pain.
There are more active sites dedicated to the Nons (the partner who DOESN'T have BPD) by far than for those struggling with BPD. aka bpdfamily.com , shrink4men.wordpress.com , gettinbetter.com and so forth.
Truth be told, I do not hate her, my bpd partner.
As i described in my previous post, I am in love with her Dr. Jekyll persona. It is this love affair that has kept me coming back for more doses of Mr. Hyde.
Having struggled with multiple mental illnesses throughout my life (Bipolar II disorder, Seasonal Affective Disorder, Social Anxiety Disorder, etc) it is hard not to be sympathetic to borderline personality disorder. I think the main problem with borderline personality, is the constant attacking of the one who is closest to the BPD. They literally bite the hand that feeds.
Many therapists refuse to accept borderlines into therapy. This is due to two prominent reasons.
1: The therapist cannot take the constant abuse. When a borderline becomes attached to a therapist, the same worship/devalue splitting methods occur here as well. At first, they look up to the therapist as their personal savior. There have been many accounts of borderlines trying to seduce their therapists. When the therapist either rejects their advanced or otherwise loses the halo that the borderline has placed upon their head, the borderline begins to devalue them. Sexual harassment and abuse fabrications are common as a result. Unfortunately, a therapist is only human, and just like a relationship partner, cannot stand the devaluation and raging episodes. A lot of the times, the therapist will actually fire the borderline from further treatment. Many therapists describe working with a borderline to be on par with a schizophrenic, but without the constant psychosis. Here is a person, who under normal circumstances may be able to hold a job, perfectly function in society, and be mostly emotionally stable. However when they enter therapy, they can become enraged by the therapist not meeting their "needs", go on verbal tirades and even become physically violent. In my opinion, it is easier to accept schizophrenia than it is borderline psychosis. This can be very frustrating to a therapist.
2: Mental health professionals often don't know how to properly treat BPD. This i would say is the bigger of the two problems. New techniques for treating borderlines are still in their infant stages. Heated debates on which form of therapy is superior are constant. Also, there is still no hard evidence in the proper medication for borderlines.
In short, borderlines are difficult patients to treat medically and therapeutically.
In decades earlier, Bipolar Disorder was viewed much in the same way. In fact, some doctors were so frustrated that they ended up performing lobotomies and electro shock therapy as a last resort. Today, Bipolar Disorder is considered a highly treatable mental illness with proper medication and therapy.
I know, myself being bipolar, that being viewed as a hopeless case would be detrimental to my own recovery.
Fortunately for borderline personality disorder, there have been exciting new advances in techniques to treating BPD.
Hopefully one day, these methods will be as accepted as those for treating bipolar disorder are.
For those of you who have accused me of labeling or stigmatizing borderline personality disorder, i offer my apologies. In my effort to gain emotion freedom from my tormentor, I have often vilified more than just her behaviors. Her behaviors do not define her. I reject the all-incompassing notion that her "good" behaviors were a fake super-ego self. Deep down, i knew her potential because at times, I witnessed it for myself, that is what hurt the most.
There is nothing i would wish for more than her recovery. The things I would sacrifice if I had the ability to sacrifice such things would be monumental. Unfortunately, my sanity, self-love, ambitions, and reality are not the price that i needed to pay for her recoverery. Ultimately it will be up to her to take action, a concept i still struggle with to this day.
This is a work in progress, refer back for updates.
There are more active sites dedicated to the Nons (the partner who DOESN'T have BPD) by far than for those struggling with BPD. aka bpdfamily.com , shrink4men.wordpress.com , gettinbetter.com and so forth.
Truth be told, I do not hate her, my bpd partner.
As i described in my previous post, I am in love with her Dr. Jekyll persona. It is this love affair that has kept me coming back for more doses of Mr. Hyde.
Having struggled with multiple mental illnesses throughout my life (Bipolar II disorder, Seasonal Affective Disorder, Social Anxiety Disorder, etc) it is hard not to be sympathetic to borderline personality disorder. I think the main problem with borderline personality, is the constant attacking of the one who is closest to the BPD. They literally bite the hand that feeds.
Many therapists refuse to accept borderlines into therapy. This is due to two prominent reasons.
1: The therapist cannot take the constant abuse. When a borderline becomes attached to a therapist, the same worship/devalue splitting methods occur here as well. At first, they look up to the therapist as their personal savior. There have been many accounts of borderlines trying to seduce their therapists. When the therapist either rejects their advanced or otherwise loses the halo that the borderline has placed upon their head, the borderline begins to devalue them. Sexual harassment and abuse fabrications are common as a result. Unfortunately, a therapist is only human, and just like a relationship partner, cannot stand the devaluation and raging episodes. A lot of the times, the therapist will actually fire the borderline from further treatment. Many therapists describe working with a borderline to be on par with a schizophrenic, but without the constant psychosis. Here is a person, who under normal circumstances may be able to hold a job, perfectly function in society, and be mostly emotionally stable. However when they enter therapy, they can become enraged by the therapist not meeting their "needs", go on verbal tirades and even become physically violent. In my opinion, it is easier to accept schizophrenia than it is borderline psychosis. This can be very frustrating to a therapist.
2: Mental health professionals often don't know how to properly treat BPD. This i would say is the bigger of the two problems. New techniques for treating borderlines are still in their infant stages. Heated debates on which form of therapy is superior are constant. Also, there is still no hard evidence in the proper medication for borderlines.
In short, borderlines are difficult patients to treat medically and therapeutically.
In decades earlier, Bipolar Disorder was viewed much in the same way. In fact, some doctors were so frustrated that they ended up performing lobotomies and electro shock therapy as a last resort. Today, Bipolar Disorder is considered a highly treatable mental illness with proper medication and therapy.
I know, myself being bipolar, that being viewed as a hopeless case would be detrimental to my own recovery.
Fortunately for borderline personality disorder, there have been exciting new advances in techniques to treating BPD.
Hopefully one day, these methods will be as accepted as those for treating bipolar disorder are.
For those of you who have accused me of labeling or stigmatizing borderline personality disorder, i offer my apologies. In my effort to gain emotion freedom from my tormentor, I have often vilified more than just her behaviors. Her behaviors do not define her. I reject the all-incompassing notion that her "good" behaviors were a fake super-ego self. Deep down, i knew her potential because at times, I witnessed it for myself, that is what hurt the most.
There is nothing i would wish for more than her recovery. The things I would sacrifice if I had the ability to sacrifice such things would be monumental. Unfortunately, my sanity, self-love, ambitions, and reality are not the price that i needed to pay for her recoverery. Ultimately it will be up to her to take action, a concept i still struggle with to this day.
This is a work in progress, refer back for updates.
Friday, August 28, 2009
Into the Chaos: The borderline mind.
Currently I am reading a book by Lynn Melville called "Boomerang Love". One of the first chapters helped me understand the chaos that occurs in the borderline mind. She shares her experience to meeting a borderline girl as follows:
"At a Co-Dependents Anonymous meeting one night, one of the people sharing there told me what it was like for her (to have BPD). She talked about her "cut and run" behavior. Every time she felt like the person she was with might hurt her (abandon her) - she herself left. "FU" were her words.
She said she could deal with her fearful emotions better when by herself, and when she was alone - her weaknesses weren't apparent to others. In other words she didn't have to admit her fears of abandonment to her partner.
Best of all, by doing the cut and run behavior herself, she avoided all the pain of possible abandonment - because She was the one doing the abandoning! And she did this abandoning behavior even though she knew it was only her mistaken perception that it might happen that was driving her. Whew!
She said she had no empathy for the person she was running from. If they had the potential to hurt her, they deserved the punishment she was dishing out.
She said she maid them "not exist" in her mind. They were "lowly, unworthy, non-human beings."
Through this mental manipulation, she could do hurtful things to others and not feel guilt, again because they deserved it "
After reading this, I was able to reflect back upon a lot of the chaos in my own relationship with my girlfriend. A lot of the times, the hatred did not make any sense. Most of the time, it was after weeks or months that I had considered "very loving" or "calm" only to be met with extreme emotional turmoil. I could never seem to achieve an environment of security and serenity, something i desperately sought. The harder I tried, the more she unraveled it. The more she unraveled it, the more desperate and frustrated I became, feeding into her fears of abandonment and self-loathing.
Always, I was made out to be the abuser and she the victim. This process is called "splitting." It is also one of the reasons why borderline relationships can become very addicting, especially to someone with low self-esteem or codependency.
Described below is an accurate definition of splitting:
" SPLITING refers to a primitive mechanism of defense characterized by a polarization of good feelings and bad feelings, of love and hate, of attachment and rejection. Splitting, archetypally imbedded in a patient's psychic structure, acts as a powerful unconscious force to protect against the ego's perception of dangerous anxiety and intense affects. Rather than providing real protection, splitting leads to destructive behavior and turmoil in patients' lives, and the often confused reactions manifested by those who try to help. " (http://www.psychiatrictimes.com/display/article/10168/53911?verify=0)
These "confused reactions" are what hurt me the most. I was in love with her Dr. Jekyll personality. To be honest, I really could not think of a better partner than when she was calm, concise and in control. It was heaven on earth. A lot of BPD experts consider this to be a false persona, or a unattainable super-ego. While this may not be attainable as long as the illness controlled her life, I personally believe that this is who she was deep down, without the suffering, the walls, and the masks that plagued her highly reactive, unstable emotions. This was another reason why it is so hard to let go. Why leave someone who at times, is the epitome of perfection?
She was my angel, yet my devil, my liberator but also my jailer.
When Dr. Jekyll turned into Mrs. Hyde, it was devastating. I HAD to have Dr. Jekyll back. This need to have her acceptance and approval was necessary to my well being. This was my issue, this was my codependent/narcissistic deficiency. My common responses to this loss were panic attacks and overwhelming anxiety. At times, suicide seemed a welcoming way out. This terrafied me to think that I put so much of my own self-esteem and well-being into this girl that I was willing to do ANYTHING to end the pain of losing her.
I was willing to overlook the sins of Mr. Hyde and perform elaborate methods of trying to re-engage Dr. Jekyll.
Lying, infidelities, emotional and physical abuse, social embarrassment, financial instability.... these were all consequences I was willing to over-look to keep this girl from leaving me. If I could only have Dr. Jekyll for a moment at a time, it was worth any cost.
Much of the time, the cost was having to deal with extreme projection and splitting behaviors from my girlfriend. This resulted in a physical toll on my body as well as an emotional toll on my spirit. Constant anxiety, digestive problems, headaches, insomnia, panic attacks, and lack of appetite were common throughout these years.
The worst part of it all was having to accept that my fantasy that I had for us, was not real and would have to be shattered in order for me to recover. Like I said, i was in love with Dr. Jekyll. She was perfect in every aspect of the word perfection. She made my world turn in ways I had never experienced before.
Unfortunately, as I mentioned before, I was also addicted to both aspects of her "splitting" behavior. When she "worshipped" me, i became addicted to her laser-like focus. She made me feel as if I was her knight in shining armor, or her prince charming. This would soon come back to haunt me, when i failed to live up to these standards in which she worshipped me. As any human, I am flawed. Maybe more than average. I definitely have my faults.
Another aspect of splitting is the lack of Object Constancy. Object Constancy is where a person can see the object as having both "black" (flaws) and "white" (good qualities) and come up with a shade that they can either embrace or reject. Those that lack Object Constancy cannot, at any given time, see the the object as being both "black" and "white" or "gray". They either expunge the black and see only white, or paint the object complete black in their minds, they cannot be both. This creates an ever-changing object. From white to black, to back to black to white. This also is the reason why many psychologists consider borderlines to have faulty "selective" memories. Either remember their partner as ALL bad at times, or PERFECT. This also explains why the borderline will continue to go back to their partners later on as if "nothing" happened. They view their own image in this fashion as well.
As i said previously, when i was viewed as white, it fed into my super-ego self image. I now was validated that I was, in fact, a lovable person. I was elated, on top of the world, nothing could bring me down.
However, I also grew up with very low self esteem. When she painted me black, I also over-identified with her projections. The inner "wounded child" in me was validated by these projections of failure, worthlessness, and shame. This was second layer to my addiction to her. My super-ego self AND my wounded child self, both were being fed more than enough to stick around. I was addicted to both the highs and lows. The love and the hate. This is simply called "Traumatic Bonding." I became confused by the constant switch from love to hate, not knowing my right from my left or what was abuse and what was loving in my relationship with her.
This work is currently in progress. Check back for future updates.
"At a Co-Dependents Anonymous meeting one night, one of the people sharing there told me what it was like for her (to have BPD). She talked about her "cut and run" behavior. Every time she felt like the person she was with might hurt her (abandon her) - she herself left. "FU" were her words.
She said she could deal with her fearful emotions better when by herself, and when she was alone - her weaknesses weren't apparent to others. In other words she didn't have to admit her fears of abandonment to her partner.
Best of all, by doing the cut and run behavior herself, she avoided all the pain of possible abandonment - because She was the one doing the abandoning! And she did this abandoning behavior even though she knew it was only her mistaken perception that it might happen that was driving her. Whew!
She said she had no empathy for the person she was running from. If they had the potential to hurt her, they deserved the punishment she was dishing out.
She said she maid them "not exist" in her mind. They were "lowly, unworthy, non-human beings."
Through this mental manipulation, she could do hurtful things to others and not feel guilt, again because they deserved it "
After reading this, I was able to reflect back upon a lot of the chaos in my own relationship with my girlfriend. A lot of the times, the hatred did not make any sense. Most of the time, it was after weeks or months that I had considered "very loving" or "calm" only to be met with extreme emotional turmoil. I could never seem to achieve an environment of security and serenity, something i desperately sought. The harder I tried, the more she unraveled it. The more she unraveled it, the more desperate and frustrated I became, feeding into her fears of abandonment and self-loathing.
Always, I was made out to be the abuser and she the victim. This process is called "splitting." It is also one of the reasons why borderline relationships can become very addicting, especially to someone with low self-esteem or codependency.
Described below is an accurate definition of splitting:
" SPLITING refers to a primitive mechanism of defense characterized by a polarization of good feelings and bad feelings, of love and hate, of attachment and rejection. Splitting, archetypally imbedded in a patient's psychic structure, acts as a powerful unconscious force to protect against the ego's perception of dangerous anxiety and intense affects. Rather than providing real protection, splitting leads to destructive behavior and turmoil in patients' lives, and the often confused reactions manifested by those who try to help. " (http://www.psychiatrictimes.com/display/article/10168/53911?verify=0)
These "confused reactions" are what hurt me the most. I was in love with her Dr. Jekyll personality. To be honest, I really could not think of a better partner than when she was calm, concise and in control. It was heaven on earth. A lot of BPD experts consider this to be a false persona, or a unattainable super-ego. While this may not be attainable as long as the illness controlled her life, I personally believe that this is who she was deep down, without the suffering, the walls, and the masks that plagued her highly reactive, unstable emotions. This was another reason why it is so hard to let go. Why leave someone who at times, is the epitome of perfection?
She was my angel, yet my devil, my liberator but also my jailer.
When Dr. Jekyll turned into Mrs. Hyde, it was devastating. I HAD to have Dr. Jekyll back. This need to have her acceptance and approval was necessary to my well being. This was my issue, this was my codependent/narcissistic deficiency. My common responses to this loss were panic attacks and overwhelming anxiety. At times, suicide seemed a welcoming way out. This terrafied me to think that I put so much of my own self-esteem and well-being into this girl that I was willing to do ANYTHING to end the pain of losing her.
I was willing to overlook the sins of Mr. Hyde and perform elaborate methods of trying to re-engage Dr. Jekyll.
Lying, infidelities, emotional and physical abuse, social embarrassment, financial instability.... these were all consequences I was willing to over-look to keep this girl from leaving me. If I could only have Dr. Jekyll for a moment at a time, it was worth any cost.
Much of the time, the cost was having to deal with extreme projection and splitting behaviors from my girlfriend. This resulted in a physical toll on my body as well as an emotional toll on my spirit. Constant anxiety, digestive problems, headaches, insomnia, panic attacks, and lack of appetite were common throughout these years.
The worst part of it all was having to accept that my fantasy that I had for us, was not real and would have to be shattered in order for me to recover. Like I said, i was in love with Dr. Jekyll. She was perfect in every aspect of the word perfection. She made my world turn in ways I had never experienced before.
Unfortunately, as I mentioned before, I was also addicted to both aspects of her "splitting" behavior. When she "worshipped" me, i became addicted to her laser-like focus. She made me feel as if I was her knight in shining armor, or her prince charming. This would soon come back to haunt me, when i failed to live up to these standards in which she worshipped me. As any human, I am flawed. Maybe more than average. I definitely have my faults.
Another aspect of splitting is the lack of Object Constancy. Object Constancy is where a person can see the object as having both "black" (flaws) and "white" (good qualities) and come up with a shade that they can either embrace or reject. Those that lack Object Constancy cannot, at any given time, see the the object as being both "black" and "white" or "gray". They either expunge the black and see only white, or paint the object complete black in their minds, they cannot be both. This creates an ever-changing object. From white to black, to back to black to white. This also is the reason why many psychologists consider borderlines to have faulty "selective" memories. Either remember their partner as ALL bad at times, or PERFECT. This also explains why the borderline will continue to go back to their partners later on as if "nothing" happened. They view their own image in this fashion as well.
As i said previously, when i was viewed as white, it fed into my super-ego self image. I now was validated that I was, in fact, a lovable person. I was elated, on top of the world, nothing could bring me down.
However, I also grew up with very low self esteem. When she painted me black, I also over-identified with her projections. The inner "wounded child" in me was validated by these projections of failure, worthlessness, and shame. This was second layer to my addiction to her. My super-ego self AND my wounded child self, both were being fed more than enough to stick around. I was addicted to both the highs and lows. The love and the hate. This is simply called "Traumatic Bonding." I became confused by the constant switch from love to hate, not knowing my right from my left or what was abuse and what was loving in my relationship with her.
This work is currently in progress. Check back for future updates.
Introduction
I started this blog for therapeutic reasons by trying to achieve an environment I can adequately and safely release my feelings. Sure a journal might do the same trick, but i thought by releasing my feelings publicly, it might force me to sort out my excess baggage in an open environment, rather than a closed one. Why not a closed one? Possibly the same reason a sinner confesses to their bishop or pastor. Having an audience helps the person confront their feelings, rather than excuse or bottle them up.
Also, If this blog helps even one other person feel better about their own life, or acts as motivation to find emotional freedom once again from their abusive partner, I have succeeded beyond my original purpose.
Feel free to comment, criticize, admire or ask me questions. I am all ears.
Background:
For three long years of have struggled with a highly toxic relationship. For a good portion of those years, I had no clue what the name of this toxicity was, or even where to look. I flailed around like a fish out of water, so desperately trying to catch the next wave that would bring me back to the safety of the ocean where i could breathe again. Eventually I found the name for what I was struggling with, and the illness for which my partner was keeping me subjected to.
It was a toxic cocktail that hooks many couples together for brutal years of relationship turmoil. My people pleaser personality was a perfect fit for her waif-like one. The more i tried to rescue her, the more she pushed me away. The more she pushed me away, the more desperate I clung to her.
What I am referring to is the what mental health professionals call Borderline Personality Disorder.
In this blog, I will be sharing my pain, frustrations, weaknesses and observations on what it has been like for three years trying to cope with a partner who has BPD (borderline personality disorder). Although I must admit that myself and my own weaknesses and mishaps did contribute substantially to this mess of a relationship, I was constantly subject to a place of fear, obligation and guilt for my partner. A clever author has written a book about this process called "walking on eggshells." I like to refer to it as "walking on land mines," because a lot of the time, the consequences for not stepping lightly resulted in a huge explosion.
I hope this blog serves as a tool to better understanding Borderline Personality Disorder, Codependency, and Emotionally Abusive Relationships.
Thank you for your love and support.
-Kevin
Also, If this blog helps even one other person feel better about their own life, or acts as motivation to find emotional freedom once again from their abusive partner, I have succeeded beyond my original purpose.
Feel free to comment, criticize, admire or ask me questions. I am all ears.
Background:
For three long years of have struggled with a highly toxic relationship. For a good portion of those years, I had no clue what the name of this toxicity was, or even where to look. I flailed around like a fish out of water, so desperately trying to catch the next wave that would bring me back to the safety of the ocean where i could breathe again. Eventually I found the name for what I was struggling with, and the illness for which my partner was keeping me subjected to.
It was a toxic cocktail that hooks many couples together for brutal years of relationship turmoil. My people pleaser personality was a perfect fit for her waif-like one. The more i tried to rescue her, the more she pushed me away. The more she pushed me away, the more desperate I clung to her.
What I am referring to is the what mental health professionals call Borderline Personality Disorder.
In this blog, I will be sharing my pain, frustrations, weaknesses and observations on what it has been like for three years trying to cope with a partner who has BPD (borderline personality disorder). Although I must admit that myself and my own weaknesses and mishaps did contribute substantially to this mess of a relationship, I was constantly subject to a place of fear, obligation and guilt for my partner. A clever author has written a book about this process called "walking on eggshells." I like to refer to it as "walking on land mines," because a lot of the time, the consequences for not stepping lightly resulted in a huge explosion.
I hope this blog serves as a tool to better understanding Borderline Personality Disorder, Codependency, and Emotionally Abusive Relationships.
Thank you for your love and support.
-Kevin
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