I have been reflecting back a lot about why I was attracted to Whitney in the first place. Surely I wouldn't have fallen for such a wreck the first time I met her would I? Thinking back, she displayed a completely different person than who she really was. The girl I originally fell for was in reality nothing like what she portrayed herself to be.
For example:
On our first date, I asked her about work and school and what she was doing with her life. She responded that she was almost ready for flight school, and that she just needed to log 60 more hours of flying before she could go any further, and that money was the only issue because flight hours were extremely expensive. To me, that was really impressive, because she was only 19 at the time and in her description, was pretty darn close to a stable career.
When I asked about her work, she told me she currently was working three jobs. One was as a receptionist/marketing for a small local skate board apparel shop, where she made a very decent hourly wage, more than I was making at the time, and it sounded like a very solid/fun job. Again I was impressed and a little jealous, because years earlier I had gone to school for design and this sounded like my dream job. She told me she would introduce me to her boss in the future. Awesome!
Since she was "saving" up for flight hours, she told me that she had taken a job with Victoria’s Secret part-time as well, and was working 60 hrs a week between the two jobs. Again, I was wowed over with the fact that I had found such and accomplished go-getter that could inspire me to get my act together. It was reassuring to know that this girl was on her feet, could provide for herself, and was busy enough that I would have plenty of time for my own friends and hobbies as she would be working a lot.
Lastly, she said that she modeled on the weekends for a well known modeling magazine that paid really well per shoot and was real easy money. What more could I want in a girl than a badass Pilot/Model/Marketing whiz girlfriend?!?
By this time, I was so enchanted with her, that I couldn't understand how she was single, as she was the "perfect" girl in my mind. I asked her about her past relationships and she responded that about a month or two ago, she had broken up with her extremely abusive deadbeat boyfriend. She told me that she had loved him and thought that she could inspire him to change, but she finally got sick of providing for him when he was spending all of her cash on xbox games and eating out. The final straw was when she found out that he cheated on her. When I asked her why she had originally chosen him, she responded that he was a dreamy, cute, popular, bad boy that when she was younger, were the characteristics she found attractive. She said she was no longer attracted to that, and wanted a "nice romantic man" who would appreciate her and not use her.
If there was anything to complete the "ideal" scenario for me, this was it. I wasn't anything like this guy. I was a smart, romantic, caring, hardworking dude who would absolutely NEVER cheat on her. I would appreciate her! I would show her what a good guy really was....
Well... as you all know, these were all not necessarily 100% lies, but great fabrications of what was really going on.
First, she was nowhere near becoming a pilot. She had taken maybe one or two classes in aviation from the local community college. The only "hours" she had logged flying, were when a friend of hers had taken her up in his plane and let her hold the controls for a bit.
Second, her work experience was all bogus. She sort of worked for the skateboard shop. They needed a temporary receptionist every once in a while, and let her come in for a few hours every couple weeks. She did have a job with Victorias Secret, but it was a SEASONAL holiday job with very few crappy hours that were inconvenient and ended up not being worth her time. And as being a model, yes, she had been paid a couple of times for some shoots, but it was not a consistent thing. The guy would call out of the blue every month or so if his regular models didn't work out.
Now, as for the whole past relationship... it wasn't quite PAST yet. She was still seeing him off and on, and he didn't even know she was dating me. According to his version of the story, it was she that was the deadbeat, and blown all of their money on pets and things she HAD to have. She couldn't hold a job and they were living off loans from his uncle that had been given to him for Helicopter school. (I find it fascinating that she, just like a chameleon, changed her lifestyle, ambitions and goals to mirror his) He did admit to "cheating" on her, but from his story, it was SHE that had cheated on him first and he felt like he needed to get her back. They did have a extremely unhealthy relationship, but it seemed to be more of a HER problem than a HIM problem.
Conclusion:
It seems to me that I had met a girl that was desperately trying to be someone greater than what she was. Rather than admitting to herself and others exactly what she was, she had to create an idealized version of her fragmented self. It was if she was fantasizing about how SHE would be if everything could have worked out the way she dreamed of, because she COULD NOT accept herself for the truth. Whatever the reason, she was full of too much self-loathing to ever admit to herself or to others the reality of things.
But, as life goes, the truth has a way of coming out on its own. I soon found out that she was nothing like what she had described herself as, and I myself, didn’t want to accept this. She had now hooked me into her fantasy world, and if she wasn’t this fantasy yet, than I had to help groom her to accomplish it. I NEEDED THIS.
Alas, I found out the hard way that it is impossible to do this. I started to accept her for who she really was and love her anyways. Even through all of the lies, she still had some amazing qualities. I had grown to accept this, but she hadn’t. The next three years were filled with pain, betrayal and deception. It was as if she couldn’t bear the fact that I saw her for who she really was. Whenever she was around me, I was a representation of just what she was… and wasn’t. And this triggered her need to run away from this, to desperately seek someone to share that fantasy with again. In her mind, we were too broken. She could no longer uphold the collective fantasy with me.
Through my blood, sweat and tears, I fought tooth and nail to keep this relationship alive. Crisis after crisis, I patiently worked through them, hoping that one day she would see the light. I tried to show her that her true self was beautiful and worth it, but as long as she didn’t believe it, than how could she convince anyone else? The more I loved her, the more she despised me, because how could I love something that she herself couldn’t stand? All of my loving motives were then misconstrued by her into attempts to manipulate and control her. She thought that she was just some sort of “science experiment” for me to toy with. She wanted so badly to be important, to be special, to be needed…. But in her own mind she was a failure, and a nobody. By me telling her otherwise, just meant that I was either a sadistic manipulating menace or a down right blind fool, and why would she want to be with either of those? Besides, eventually I would see her for who she really was, and would abandon her. Borderlines cannot tolerate even the thought of abandonment.
These inner self hating feelings can only be quelled for so long until they have to have an outlet. Borderlines do this in two ways. 1) self destructive behaviors like cutting, risky behavior, recklessness, promiscuity etc or 2) projection.
Projection is where the person puts all of their faults and failures they have with themselves onto the other person, or “projects” their internal feelings onto an external factor.
With projection, the person who has “caught them” or figured them out, becomes the bad guy. Its like in their version of the bank robbery, they the robbers are the good guys, and the cops are the villains. It is not their fault they needed the money, and who are these people to deny them of their needs.
I was her villain. I was the one holding her accountable for what she really was. I became the source of her pain, her torment, her shattered fantasy. How dare I? Without me standing in the way, she would be free to paint the most wonderfully colorful fantasy that she desired. And for a time, she knew she could escape there. Desperation is the key word. She was desperate for a way out, and I was the one standing in the way.
With me successfully out of the way now, I see her following down the same path with her new romantic endeavors. Her fabrications about her life, her past and her future are all being displayed with eagerness to her new romance. She says she is happy, and I believe that she is, because, for now, she has painted the picture perfect fantasy and nothing is threatening it. But, as it was last time, it is now. It is all based on lies and fabrications, and is doomed to fail. Until she faces the truth about herself and finds love in who she really is, she will fail.
My heart goes out to her. I myself know the key to ending this cycle of creation and destruction. I was once a lot like her. In fact, I used to have a lot of borderline/narcissistic traits that I don’t even want to admit to. I sabotaged friendships and relationships when I felt they might threaten my grandiose self identity. I not only lied to others, but I convinced myself of my own lies.
Just like her I would stretch the truth. I would try and display to others what a badass I was. How I was a hardcore punk rocker, tough guy, hockey player who is invincible and doesn’t let anyone get to him. I was that smooth, that cool, that composed….
It was all a lie. I lied about events in my life, how many girls I slept with, what drugs I had used, how many parties I had been to, how many fights I had been in, what my talents were, how smart I was, who I was deep down…. It was all an ideal vision of who I thought I wanted to be.
I was Kevin, the straight shooting, ass-kicking, champion of champions.
I too was a chameleon at times. When I found out a new friend of mine who I wanted to impress was into ice hockey, I lied to him and said that hockey was my favorite sport. When he asked who my favorite team was, I had to scramble for an answer and shot out a team that was from Colorado, because hell, I lived in Colorado once, seemed like a logical choice. When he asked who my favorite player was, I did my best to wiggle my way out of it saying I didn’t necessarily have a “favorite.” He told me his favorite Avalanche player was Claude Lemieux, immediately I responded that Lemieux was probably my favorite too. Indeed, during those years, Mr. Lemieux was designated as my favorite player.
After the fact, I researched the player so if I was called out on this, I would have a good comeback. This is how I lived. Trying to impress and please people to get them to like me. I hated my self. I hated how scared I was and how I was unable to control my destiny. I hated depending on people, especially my parents, who knew the real me. I desperately wanted to be someone who I wasn’t… someone strong, someone important, someone so badass that no one could hurt me.
My life became a series of lies. My identity was molded from false experiences. I started to act accordingly, I desperately tried anything to become this person, but deep down I myself knew I wasn’t and couldn’t maintain this image, and this killed me.
I became so depressed, so worn out from running around in shoes that were too big for me. My depression became so intense, that I questioned whether life was worth living. It was all fake…life… me… my identity… my accomplishments… Everything that made me who I was, WAS A LIE. And why continue living that way. Maybe I could fool everyone in the world for a short time, but eventually, the mirage would dissipate and I would be forced to show the world just how week and worthless I really was, and when they found out, they would shun me.
I tried everything to avoid this scenario. So when people became close to unmasking me, I would push them away or I would run and find new victims for my deception. It was much easier to deal with rejected friendships and relationships when I rejected them, rather than face the chance that someone would reject me. I needed to be loved, admired, respected…. So I could respect myself. If I didn’t receive this attention, then those people were not worth my time and were evil or useless in my mind.
Fortunately for me, I don’t think this was as ingrained as it is for Whitney. At least a part of me could identify with my true self. Eventually when the depression became too intense to uphold the mirage any longer, my true, beautiful self took control.
I realized that the only way to become happy was to stop judging myself unworthy of happiness. I needed to stop the deception and accept myself for who I was. I needed to find exactly what I was made of, what made me ME.
To do this, I was going to have to expose myself for who I really was. I would have to become vulnerable… this was my greatest fear, my kryptonite.
It is at this point a person with a personality disorder must be, before change is ever going to occur. For me, I had two options. A) commit suicide or B) face my greatest fear and kill my false self.
Believe me when I say that I flirted with option A) more than I ever want to remember. To me, it was the practical method. Who was I to think I could face 19 years of lies, 19 years of pain, 19 years of being so damn scared to be myself… and prevail.
I wasn’t happy now, I wasn’t happy in the past(or at least couldn’t remember being happy), why should I ever believe that I would be happy in the future? The mountain seemed much too hard to climb, and I was already hanging on the cliff with just one finger preventing me from falling to my death. I was exhausted, depressed and ending my existence seemed very attractive.
Too be continued….
Thursday, December 24, 2009
Sunday, December 13, 2009
More random.
As I was cleaning out a bunch of crap in my house that reminded me of her, I stumbled upon an old folder that I used during my Cognitive Behavioral Therapy for my bipolar disorder/ social anxiety disorder. In it was a journal, mood charts, beliefs and reflections on my progress. For the first time I realized what she was missing that made me so different from her. It was DRIVE!
There was a time in my life where I was horribly depressed to the point of suicidal. I couldn't grasp the concept of being happy. A lot of my relationships and friendships up to that point I had subconsciously sabotaged. With social anxiety disorder, I tended to think for other people. I was highly suspicious, needy, and impulsive. Much of the same issues that borderline personality disorder struggles with. This drove people away from me. I also feared intimacy, and would discourage people from breaking through my super-imposed protective self by being extremely cold and stubborn. Eventually i became so distraught that I wanted out of my life, whatever that took. Thankfully I happened to pick up a book called "Overcoming Mood Swings" and read it and completed the assignments that it had me do.
I don't know what happened, or when I finally clicked, but I saw for the first times that it was MY behaviors that were causing the majority of my pain. I went to therapy, took my medication, and my life made a complete turn around. That book, therapy, and medication were all instrumental in my recovery, but i think the ONE thing that determined me breaking free, was my DESIRE and my DRIVE. I wanted to act ANYWAY other than the way I was acting. Deep down, I knew that I could change and wanted to. I don't think my exbpdgf ever made it that far, the dissonance was too extreme and she couldn't "face the ugly," and ran from it instead, blaming others and burning everyone and everything in her path.
Unfortunately, I think after my "awakening" I turned into a rescuer/caregiver/people pleaser. I always wanted to teach everyone else what I had learned. I think that was what attracted me the most to my exbpdgf, was that she was in desperate need of what I had mastered, and what more romantic of a setting than the knight in shining armor coming to save the princess in distress.
My therapist told me that in her 8 years of practice, she has never seen anyone put forth as much effort as I have in keeping this relationship alive. A part of my, resents this. I almost wish I would have dropped her in one of her times of crisis, maybe the pain would have been enough for her to seek therapy. But, I couldn't. I did the only thing I knew how to do: Fight like hell!
I know I have helped her out immensely. When I met her, she was a wreck, couldn't hold a job, cut her arms, never apologized or was accountable for anything, etc etc etc. Now it seems that she has at least some grasp of reality. But, I write this all EXTREMELY humble to say, there is absolutely nothing you can do to change or wake someone up who is suffering from a personality disorder. I really don't know what happened in my own life that made me *click* other than at the time, I was so depressed, so empty, so done.... that my only options were to find a way to get better, or commit suicide. There were many people in my life that helped me through my journey. Many of them I spat on when they tried to help. I am thankful for them, but really the only reason I got better was because I was sick of my false walled-up super-ego self and how it was turning people away and destroying my life.
After 3 years of rescuing her from her torment, putting off my own issues and concerns to create an environment that I thought would be conducive for her, and trying to save her from herself, I have come to the terms that I was probably doing the worst thing possible for her, which was preventing her from "facing the ugly." I did this because I thought I had the insight, I had been there, done that and recovered. But, i think this is one of life's lessons you cant just teach. She is going to have to learn it the hard way, knees skinned and knuckles bleeding.
You can lead a horse to water, force its head in the trough and make it swallow, but you cant stop him from accusing you of trying to drowned him.
This was exactly my exgirlfriend. Every loving touch was viewed as threatening, degrading and intrusive. The mere fact that I was a representation of recovery and hope, was condescending to her on how she viewed herself. And this pained her. We, the care-giving Nons, are a constant reminder to them of how broken they really are. That is why they fight us and that is why they eventually leave. It is also why they try and exploit your weaknesses and tear you down, time and again. The manipulations, the distortions, the anger and resentment.... its all just a ploy to level the playing field. It is because they feel unworthy, unlovable and disgraceful that they A) are envious of you for not being what they are, and B) think you must have ulterior motives, because who would want to be with someone so despicable as themselves.
Every time my ex broke up with me, she told me it was because she wanted a clean slate. I never really got what she was meaning about that until recently. I always thought she was meaning another guy who had a clean slate, and that I had "hurt" her too many times. Now, i realize that she, deep down, knows that she is broken, and knows and remember all the things she has done and said... and when she sees me, she is reminded of how "ugly" she really is. No one can tolerate that feeling for too long without desperately wanting out. Splitting, projective identification, etc are necessary for the borderline to temporarily thwart this feeling.
The next time you think that you were part of the problem, please be easy on yourself. I know I had my faults and contributed to a lot of pain, but this disorder existed long before me, and will continue to exist long after me, until she can somehow "face the ugly" and not run.
There was a time in my life where I was horribly depressed to the point of suicidal. I couldn't grasp the concept of being happy. A lot of my relationships and friendships up to that point I had subconsciously sabotaged. With social anxiety disorder, I tended to think for other people. I was highly suspicious, needy, and impulsive. Much of the same issues that borderline personality disorder struggles with. This drove people away from me. I also feared intimacy, and would discourage people from breaking through my super-imposed protective self by being extremely cold and stubborn. Eventually i became so distraught that I wanted out of my life, whatever that took. Thankfully I happened to pick up a book called "Overcoming Mood Swings" and read it and completed the assignments that it had me do.
I don't know what happened, or when I finally clicked, but I saw for the first times that it was MY behaviors that were causing the majority of my pain. I went to therapy, took my medication, and my life made a complete turn around. That book, therapy, and medication were all instrumental in my recovery, but i think the ONE thing that determined me breaking free, was my DESIRE and my DRIVE. I wanted to act ANYWAY other than the way I was acting. Deep down, I knew that I could change and wanted to. I don't think my exbpdgf ever made it that far, the dissonance was too extreme and she couldn't "face the ugly," and ran from it instead, blaming others and burning everyone and everything in her path.
Unfortunately, I think after my "awakening" I turned into a rescuer/caregiver/people pleaser. I always wanted to teach everyone else what I had learned. I think that was what attracted me the most to my exbpdgf, was that she was in desperate need of what I had mastered, and what more romantic of a setting than the knight in shining armor coming to save the princess in distress.
My therapist told me that in her 8 years of practice, she has never seen anyone put forth as much effort as I have in keeping this relationship alive. A part of my, resents this. I almost wish I would have dropped her in one of her times of crisis, maybe the pain would have been enough for her to seek therapy. But, I couldn't. I did the only thing I knew how to do: Fight like hell!
I know I have helped her out immensely. When I met her, she was a wreck, couldn't hold a job, cut her arms, never apologized or was accountable for anything, etc etc etc. Now it seems that she has at least some grasp of reality. But, I write this all EXTREMELY humble to say, there is absolutely nothing you can do to change or wake someone up who is suffering from a personality disorder. I really don't know what happened in my own life that made me *click* other than at the time, I was so depressed, so empty, so done.... that my only options were to find a way to get better, or commit suicide. There were many people in my life that helped me through my journey. Many of them I spat on when they tried to help. I am thankful for them, but really the only reason I got better was because I was sick of my false walled-up super-ego self and how it was turning people away and destroying my life.
After 3 years of rescuing her from her torment, putting off my own issues and concerns to create an environment that I thought would be conducive for her, and trying to save her from herself, I have come to the terms that I was probably doing the worst thing possible for her, which was preventing her from "facing the ugly." I did this because I thought I had the insight, I had been there, done that and recovered. But, i think this is one of life's lessons you cant just teach. She is going to have to learn it the hard way, knees skinned and knuckles bleeding.
You can lead a horse to water, force its head in the trough and make it swallow, but you cant stop him from accusing you of trying to drowned him.
This was exactly my exgirlfriend. Every loving touch was viewed as threatening, degrading and intrusive. The mere fact that I was a representation of recovery and hope, was condescending to her on how she viewed herself. And this pained her. We, the care-giving Nons, are a constant reminder to them of how broken they really are. That is why they fight us and that is why they eventually leave. It is also why they try and exploit your weaknesses and tear you down, time and again. The manipulations, the distortions, the anger and resentment.... its all just a ploy to level the playing field. It is because they feel unworthy, unlovable and disgraceful that they A) are envious of you for not being what they are, and B) think you must have ulterior motives, because who would want to be with someone so despicable as themselves.
Every time my ex broke up with me, she told me it was because she wanted a clean slate. I never really got what she was meaning about that until recently. I always thought she was meaning another guy who had a clean slate, and that I had "hurt" her too many times. Now, i realize that she, deep down, knows that she is broken, and knows and remember all the things she has done and said... and when she sees me, she is reminded of how "ugly" she really is. No one can tolerate that feeling for too long without desperately wanting out. Splitting, projective identification, etc are necessary for the borderline to temporarily thwart this feeling.
The next time you think that you were part of the problem, please be easy on yourself. I know I had my faults and contributed to a lot of pain, but this disorder existed long before me, and will continue to exist long after me, until she can somehow "face the ugly" and not run.
Friday, December 4, 2009
Do borderlines get better or worse with age?
Define better...
When i first met my uBPDgf she was under constant crisis mode. She would always change her life goals, aspirations and plans on a dime. She was much more unstable, with everyone not just me, acted out her emotions by doing crazy things like jumping out of moving cars or cutting herself, etc.
She was, however, more receptive to the idea that she had something to do with her pain. Even though I was constantly accused of trying to leave her or hurting her, I was still ultimately painted "white" or "needed".
As our relationship has progressed into our 3rd year, she has overtime become much more emotionally stable. The fights are fewer and farther in between, but the HATRED for me has multiplied ten fold. She constantly blames me for everything. She stands up for herself now, whenever she feels that I am hurting her, rather than running from her problems or crazy-making. She does this by making me out to be the soul source of her pain. I am the bad guy, the villain, the abuser....
Instead of her constantly worrying about me abandoning her, she now constantly abandons me. Instead of her inflicting pain upon herself, she inflicts pain upon me. Her confidence, which was once non-existent, is now almost NPD worthy. She is not the issue, I am the issue.
All in all, I think she is more emotionally stable now as far as functioning goes, but her ANGER has become out of control. She never used to be an angry person, just an overly emotional wreck. Now the emotional wreck has turned into the devil incarnate.
She even explained to me during one of her rare "logical" modes, that when she is in pain, she converts the pain into HATE and it literally makes her pain go away. After she broke up with me the last time, it took days and days to bring her down from her angry rule. I had to endure criticism and hatred to the max before I was able to calm her emotions down and help her make sense of them.
I feel she is more dangerous now. Before, during crisis mode, I was constantly worried about her safety. The cutting, the suicidal threats, the frantic cries for help were awful to endure. I would sit awake for hours worrying and trying to solve her drama for her. It was a living hell, but at the same time, rewarding for my "rescuer" personality.
Now, I don't fear her safety at all. I fear what she will do to me, emotionally and physically. When she gets in this mode, she forgets herself completely and changes into her idealized "strong" self. She forgets her commitments, her loving memories, and everything that made her relationship with me worth it. She replaces all of this with hate. While she is in this mode, i feel a new sort of helplessness. I feel cheated, used, abused and lost. Feelings I never experienced while she was in crisis mode.
So when we define better, I really do not no what was worse. Honestly, these days have been better because I think it is less damaging emotionally and financially while she is anger but safe, rather than worrying about getting through each day. I can sort of relax now and let her take care of her own life.
On the contrary, my self-esteem has become really shot when she devalues me and makes our relationship out to be crap (yeah i know this is codependent thinking, I am working on it...) . After looking back, it has been very loving and worth it at times, that is honestly why I have stuck with it. I really cant think of a better partner than her during her normal periods. I just fear my time is coming to an end with her. That her hatred is going to take over and cause her to leave me for good. I know this behavior will just continue on with her next relationship, it just sucks knowing that we have come so far, made HUGE progress (no more crisis, she can hold a job and she has begun to gain a sense of self-esteem and self image.... before hand she was so lost) and still end up being ditched and discarded because she still cannot seem to gain any sort of understanding of Object Constancy. Her demands are becoming more and more rigid and it seems like I am running out of "Outs" with her.
Many of you may wonder why I choose to stick with it. Even after I have gone through the therapy, the books, the self-esteem make-over and my self-confidence and communication skills has improved immensely, I feel as if I am losing myself and her. I know everyone says this about their SOs, but I really have enjoyed the good times more than I have enjoyed anything else in my life. The times where she isn't under stress, is thinking clearly, and can let her personality shine, she is the most amazing friend, lover, companion that I have ever been with. I don't believe this is all just fantasy, or hoovers, or control. I really feel its genuine and without this BPD/Codependency issues that we both have, our relationship would be roses. This is why I feel I become so lost when I lose her.
So as I reflect back on my 3 year relationship, it is very hard to define "better" or "worse" than it was previously.
When i first met my uBPDgf she was under constant crisis mode. She would always change her life goals, aspirations and plans on a dime. She was much more unstable, with everyone not just me, acted out her emotions by doing crazy things like jumping out of moving cars or cutting herself, etc.
She was, however, more receptive to the idea that she had something to do with her pain. Even though I was constantly accused of trying to leave her or hurting her, I was still ultimately painted "white" or "needed".
As our relationship has progressed into our 3rd year, she has overtime become much more emotionally stable. The fights are fewer and farther in between, but the HATRED for me has multiplied ten fold. She constantly blames me for everything. She stands up for herself now, whenever she feels that I am hurting her, rather than running from her problems or crazy-making. She does this by making me out to be the soul source of her pain. I am the bad guy, the villain, the abuser....
Instead of her constantly worrying about me abandoning her, she now constantly abandons me. Instead of her inflicting pain upon herself, she inflicts pain upon me. Her confidence, which was once non-existent, is now almost NPD worthy. She is not the issue, I am the issue.
All in all, I think she is more emotionally stable now as far as functioning goes, but her ANGER has become out of control. She never used to be an angry person, just an overly emotional wreck. Now the emotional wreck has turned into the devil incarnate.
She even explained to me during one of her rare "logical" modes, that when she is in pain, she converts the pain into HATE and it literally makes her pain go away. After she broke up with me the last time, it took days and days to bring her down from her angry rule. I had to endure criticism and hatred to the max before I was able to calm her emotions down and help her make sense of them.
I feel she is more dangerous now. Before, during crisis mode, I was constantly worried about her safety. The cutting, the suicidal threats, the frantic cries for help were awful to endure. I would sit awake for hours worrying and trying to solve her drama for her. It was a living hell, but at the same time, rewarding for my "rescuer" personality.
Now, I don't fear her safety at all. I fear what she will do to me, emotionally and physically. When she gets in this mode, she forgets herself completely and changes into her idealized "strong" self. She forgets her commitments, her loving memories, and everything that made her relationship with me worth it. She replaces all of this with hate. While she is in this mode, i feel a new sort of helplessness. I feel cheated, used, abused and lost. Feelings I never experienced while she was in crisis mode.
So when we define better, I really do not no what was worse. Honestly, these days have been better because I think it is less damaging emotionally and financially while she is anger but safe, rather than worrying about getting through each day. I can sort of relax now and let her take care of her own life.
On the contrary, my self-esteem has become really shot when she devalues me and makes our relationship out to be crap (yeah i know this is codependent thinking, I am working on it...) . After looking back, it has been very loving and worth it at times, that is honestly why I have stuck with it. I really cant think of a better partner than her during her normal periods. I just fear my time is coming to an end with her. That her hatred is going to take over and cause her to leave me for good. I know this behavior will just continue on with her next relationship, it just sucks knowing that we have come so far, made HUGE progress (no more crisis, she can hold a job and she has begun to gain a sense of self-esteem and self image.... before hand she was so lost) and still end up being ditched and discarded because she still cannot seem to gain any sort of understanding of Object Constancy. Her demands are becoming more and more rigid and it seems like I am running out of "Outs" with her.
Many of you may wonder why I choose to stick with it. Even after I have gone through the therapy, the books, the self-esteem make-over and my self-confidence and communication skills has improved immensely, I feel as if I am losing myself and her. I know everyone says this about their SOs, but I really have enjoyed the good times more than I have enjoyed anything else in my life. The times where she isn't under stress, is thinking clearly, and can let her personality shine, she is the most amazing friend, lover, companion that I have ever been with. I don't believe this is all just fantasy, or hoovers, or control. I really feel its genuine and without this BPD/Codependency issues that we both have, our relationship would be roses. This is why I feel I become so lost when I lose her.
So as I reflect back on my 3 year relationship, it is very hard to define "better" or "worse" than it was previously.
Sunday, August 30, 2009
BPD and transference
A lot of the books I have read seem to suggest that Borderlines are extremely hypersensitive. The theory goes like this: Somewhere in the BPDs life they experienced extreme trauma. Whether that be sexual abuse or never learning to relate to parents/siblings/world or even there is evidence that head trauma can cause BPD. Whatever the case, there seems to be mounting evidence that BPDs are trauma survivors.
One of the theories is that they become over-emotional/hypersensitive. They are so "aware" of their trauma that they are constantly battling these emotions. Therefore, they constantly are "Acting Out", cutting, and sexual promiscuous, in a way to self medicate the pain. The focus is BPD = Extreme Childhood Pain issues.They like to compare this to having 3rd degree burns all over their bodies. Any touch or feeling hurts and they are constantly hurting. There behaviors are nothing more than trying to soothe the pain. We will call this the Sunburn Theory.
I disagree. From observing my ex and reading deeper books on core trauma and how a surviver copes, I have leaned away from the emotional pain to more of a "emotional absence" theory. Trauma survivors experienced extreme pain once upon a time, and they learned to cope. Unfortunately their coping required some dysfunctional mechanisms to move on.
One of these was emotional absence. Sexual abuse victims often learn to dissociate, or emotionally and mentally "leave" while they are being victimized. The pain from extreme abuse is too much for the human psyche to handle, therefor survival mode kicks in and the person learns how to "remove" themselves from the situation, never REALLY experiencing the trauma. Unfortunately, this mechanism seems to be ingrained from then on. As humans, we need to "feel". Survivors of abuse learn to construct walls such as projection, splitting, dissociation, etc to never experience and "feel" the emotion in the first place. That is why it is so hard to "connect" with the BPD. The only thing that will ever get through these walls and numbness is [b]extreme[/b] stimuli.
As i stated earlier, we as humans define our existence by our experiences and how we felt by them. A person who truly cannot experience emotions becomes lost and confused. They are unable to identify with a "self". That is why there is so much drama. They are trying to connect with the "self". The borderline acts out to try and feel emotion, ANY EMOTION. They are so numb from learning how to survive trauma that they are literally incapable of experiencing simple emotions. If you have ever been on novocaine you can relate to how this effects the physical realm. After awhile you crave that sense of touch back because the numbness drives you insane. Borderlines are emotionally numb. It takes a sharp emotional "dagger" to cut through this numbness. When they cut, it is to prove that they exist, not relieve pain! When they have wild, crazy sex, it is to feel alive! An orgasm becomes an emotional awakening! But these are always temporary, and they feel numb again.
Its an endless cycle of drama. The push/pull, manipulations, mind games, etc etc etc, are just an attempt by the borderline to emotional connect with themselves. Because they cannot do this themselves, the reach out to others for help to "feel." They become emotional parasites, feeding off of others emotions! This is one of the only ways they can experience true emotion, by proxy. But, they can only hold these proxy emotions for so long until inevitably the numbness returns and the borderline loses touch with the "false self" and becomes emotionally dead again. The only way for a borderline to become truly cured, is for somehow,to become connected with their "self" and begin to experience emotions internally, not externally.
This is why Validation is so important. Validation helps borderlines identify with there emotions. Borderlines are unable to do this themselves, so they look to someone who is capable of emotional sensitivity to help them reason out their stimuli. When you argue with a borderline, you reject their attempt to experience emotion, forcing them back to their survival mode.
One of the theories is that they become over-emotional/hypersensitive. They are so "aware" of their trauma that they are constantly battling these emotions. Therefore, they constantly are "Acting Out", cutting, and sexual promiscuous, in a way to self medicate the pain. The focus is BPD = Extreme Childhood Pain issues.They like to compare this to having 3rd degree burns all over their bodies. Any touch or feeling hurts and they are constantly hurting. There behaviors are nothing more than trying to soothe the pain. We will call this the Sunburn Theory.
I disagree. From observing my ex and reading deeper books on core trauma and how a surviver copes, I have leaned away from the emotional pain to more of a "emotional absence" theory. Trauma survivors experienced extreme pain once upon a time, and they learned to cope. Unfortunately their coping required some dysfunctional mechanisms to move on.
One of these was emotional absence. Sexual abuse victims often learn to dissociate, or emotionally and mentally "leave" while they are being victimized. The pain from extreme abuse is too much for the human psyche to handle, therefor survival mode kicks in and the person learns how to "remove" themselves from the situation, never REALLY experiencing the trauma. Unfortunately, this mechanism seems to be ingrained from then on. As humans, we need to "feel". Survivors of abuse learn to construct walls such as projection, splitting, dissociation, etc to never experience and "feel" the emotion in the first place. That is why it is so hard to "connect" with the BPD. The only thing that will ever get through these walls and numbness is [b]extreme[/b] stimuli.
As i stated earlier, we as humans define our existence by our experiences and how we felt by them. A person who truly cannot experience emotions becomes lost and confused. They are unable to identify with a "self". That is why there is so much drama. They are trying to connect with the "self". The borderline acts out to try and feel emotion, ANY EMOTION. They are so numb from learning how to survive trauma that they are literally incapable of experiencing simple emotions. If you have ever been on novocaine you can relate to how this effects the physical realm. After awhile you crave that sense of touch back because the numbness drives you insane. Borderlines are emotionally numb. It takes a sharp emotional "dagger" to cut through this numbness. When they cut, it is to prove that they exist, not relieve pain! When they have wild, crazy sex, it is to feel alive! An orgasm becomes an emotional awakening! But these are always temporary, and they feel numb again.
Its an endless cycle of drama. The push/pull, manipulations, mind games, etc etc etc, are just an attempt by the borderline to emotional connect with themselves. Because they cannot do this themselves, the reach out to others for help to "feel." They become emotional parasites, feeding off of others emotions! This is one of the only ways they can experience true emotion, by proxy. But, they can only hold these proxy emotions for so long until inevitably the numbness returns and the borderline loses touch with the "false self" and becomes emotionally dead again. The only way for a borderline to become truly cured, is for somehow,to become connected with their "self" and begin to experience emotions internally, not externally.
This is why Validation is so important. Validation helps borderlines identify with there emotions. Borderlines are unable to do this themselves, so they look to someone who is capable of emotional sensitivity to help them reason out their stimuli. When you argue with a borderline, you reject their attempt to experience emotion, forcing them back to their survival mode.
Saturday, August 29, 2009
The Borderline Stigma
I think of it as a bit of an injustice the stigma that is attached to borderline personality disorder. I myself am even guilty of spreading this stigma. I guess that is one of the coping methods of us Non-borderline partners have in making sense of all the drama and pain.
There are more active sites dedicated to the Nons (the partner who DOESN'T have BPD) by far than for those struggling with BPD. aka bpdfamily.com , shrink4men.wordpress.com , gettinbetter.com and so forth.
Truth be told, I do not hate her, my bpd partner.
As i described in my previous post, I am in love with her Dr. Jekyll persona. It is this love affair that has kept me coming back for more doses of Mr. Hyde.
Having struggled with multiple mental illnesses throughout my life (Bipolar II disorder, Seasonal Affective Disorder, Social Anxiety Disorder, etc) it is hard not to be sympathetic to borderline personality disorder. I think the main problem with borderline personality, is the constant attacking of the one who is closest to the BPD. They literally bite the hand that feeds.
Many therapists refuse to accept borderlines into therapy. This is due to two prominent reasons.
1: The therapist cannot take the constant abuse. When a borderline becomes attached to a therapist, the same worship/devalue splitting methods occur here as well. At first, they look up to the therapist as their personal savior. There have been many accounts of borderlines trying to seduce their therapists. When the therapist either rejects their advanced or otherwise loses the halo that the borderline has placed upon their head, the borderline begins to devalue them. Sexual harassment and abuse fabrications are common as a result. Unfortunately, a therapist is only human, and just like a relationship partner, cannot stand the devaluation and raging episodes. A lot of the times, the therapist will actually fire the borderline from further treatment. Many therapists describe working with a borderline to be on par with a schizophrenic, but without the constant psychosis. Here is a person, who under normal circumstances may be able to hold a job, perfectly function in society, and be mostly emotionally stable. However when they enter therapy, they can become enraged by the therapist not meeting their "needs", go on verbal tirades and even become physically violent. In my opinion, it is easier to accept schizophrenia than it is borderline psychosis. This can be very frustrating to a therapist.
2: Mental health professionals often don't know how to properly treat BPD. This i would say is the bigger of the two problems. New techniques for treating borderlines are still in their infant stages. Heated debates on which form of therapy is superior are constant. Also, there is still no hard evidence in the proper medication for borderlines.
In short, borderlines are difficult patients to treat medically and therapeutically.
In decades earlier, Bipolar Disorder was viewed much in the same way. In fact, some doctors were so frustrated that they ended up performing lobotomies and electro shock therapy as a last resort. Today, Bipolar Disorder is considered a highly treatable mental illness with proper medication and therapy.
I know, myself being bipolar, that being viewed as a hopeless case would be detrimental to my own recovery.
Fortunately for borderline personality disorder, there have been exciting new advances in techniques to treating BPD.
Hopefully one day, these methods will be as accepted as those for treating bipolar disorder are.
For those of you who have accused me of labeling or stigmatizing borderline personality disorder, i offer my apologies. In my effort to gain emotion freedom from my tormentor, I have often vilified more than just her behaviors. Her behaviors do not define her. I reject the all-incompassing notion that her "good" behaviors were a fake super-ego self. Deep down, i knew her potential because at times, I witnessed it for myself, that is what hurt the most.
There is nothing i would wish for more than her recovery. The things I would sacrifice if I had the ability to sacrifice such things would be monumental. Unfortunately, my sanity, self-love, ambitions, and reality are not the price that i needed to pay for her recoverery. Ultimately it will be up to her to take action, a concept i still struggle with to this day.
This is a work in progress, refer back for updates.
There are more active sites dedicated to the Nons (the partner who DOESN'T have BPD) by far than for those struggling with BPD. aka bpdfamily.com , shrink4men.wordpress.com , gettinbetter.com and so forth.
Truth be told, I do not hate her, my bpd partner.
As i described in my previous post, I am in love with her Dr. Jekyll persona. It is this love affair that has kept me coming back for more doses of Mr. Hyde.
Having struggled with multiple mental illnesses throughout my life (Bipolar II disorder, Seasonal Affective Disorder, Social Anxiety Disorder, etc) it is hard not to be sympathetic to borderline personality disorder. I think the main problem with borderline personality, is the constant attacking of the one who is closest to the BPD. They literally bite the hand that feeds.
Many therapists refuse to accept borderlines into therapy. This is due to two prominent reasons.
1: The therapist cannot take the constant abuse. When a borderline becomes attached to a therapist, the same worship/devalue splitting methods occur here as well. At first, they look up to the therapist as their personal savior. There have been many accounts of borderlines trying to seduce their therapists. When the therapist either rejects their advanced or otherwise loses the halo that the borderline has placed upon their head, the borderline begins to devalue them. Sexual harassment and abuse fabrications are common as a result. Unfortunately, a therapist is only human, and just like a relationship partner, cannot stand the devaluation and raging episodes. A lot of the times, the therapist will actually fire the borderline from further treatment. Many therapists describe working with a borderline to be on par with a schizophrenic, but without the constant psychosis. Here is a person, who under normal circumstances may be able to hold a job, perfectly function in society, and be mostly emotionally stable. However when they enter therapy, they can become enraged by the therapist not meeting their "needs", go on verbal tirades and even become physically violent. In my opinion, it is easier to accept schizophrenia than it is borderline psychosis. This can be very frustrating to a therapist.
2: Mental health professionals often don't know how to properly treat BPD. This i would say is the bigger of the two problems. New techniques for treating borderlines are still in their infant stages. Heated debates on which form of therapy is superior are constant. Also, there is still no hard evidence in the proper medication for borderlines.
In short, borderlines are difficult patients to treat medically and therapeutically.
In decades earlier, Bipolar Disorder was viewed much in the same way. In fact, some doctors were so frustrated that they ended up performing lobotomies and electro shock therapy as a last resort. Today, Bipolar Disorder is considered a highly treatable mental illness with proper medication and therapy.
I know, myself being bipolar, that being viewed as a hopeless case would be detrimental to my own recovery.
Fortunately for borderline personality disorder, there have been exciting new advances in techniques to treating BPD.
Hopefully one day, these methods will be as accepted as those for treating bipolar disorder are.
For those of you who have accused me of labeling or stigmatizing borderline personality disorder, i offer my apologies. In my effort to gain emotion freedom from my tormentor, I have often vilified more than just her behaviors. Her behaviors do not define her. I reject the all-incompassing notion that her "good" behaviors were a fake super-ego self. Deep down, i knew her potential because at times, I witnessed it for myself, that is what hurt the most.
There is nothing i would wish for more than her recovery. The things I would sacrifice if I had the ability to sacrifice such things would be monumental. Unfortunately, my sanity, self-love, ambitions, and reality are not the price that i needed to pay for her recoverery. Ultimately it will be up to her to take action, a concept i still struggle with to this day.
This is a work in progress, refer back for updates.
Friday, August 28, 2009
Into the Chaos: The borderline mind.
Currently I am reading a book by Lynn Melville called "Boomerang Love". One of the first chapters helped me understand the chaos that occurs in the borderline mind. She shares her experience to meeting a borderline girl as follows:
"At a Co-Dependents Anonymous meeting one night, one of the people sharing there told me what it was like for her (to have BPD). She talked about her "cut and run" behavior. Every time she felt like the person she was with might hurt her (abandon her) - she herself left. "FU" were her words.
She said she could deal with her fearful emotions better when by herself, and when she was alone - her weaknesses weren't apparent to others. In other words she didn't have to admit her fears of abandonment to her partner.
Best of all, by doing the cut and run behavior herself, she avoided all the pain of possible abandonment - because She was the one doing the abandoning! And she did this abandoning behavior even though she knew it was only her mistaken perception that it might happen that was driving her. Whew!
She said she had no empathy for the person she was running from. If they had the potential to hurt her, they deserved the punishment she was dishing out.
She said she maid them "not exist" in her mind. They were "lowly, unworthy, non-human beings."
Through this mental manipulation, she could do hurtful things to others and not feel guilt, again because they deserved it "
After reading this, I was able to reflect back upon a lot of the chaos in my own relationship with my girlfriend. A lot of the times, the hatred did not make any sense. Most of the time, it was after weeks or months that I had considered "very loving" or "calm" only to be met with extreme emotional turmoil. I could never seem to achieve an environment of security and serenity, something i desperately sought. The harder I tried, the more she unraveled it. The more she unraveled it, the more desperate and frustrated I became, feeding into her fears of abandonment and self-loathing.
Always, I was made out to be the abuser and she the victim. This process is called "splitting." It is also one of the reasons why borderline relationships can become very addicting, especially to someone with low self-esteem or codependency.
Described below is an accurate definition of splitting:
" SPLITING refers to a primitive mechanism of defense characterized by a polarization of good feelings and bad feelings, of love and hate, of attachment and rejection. Splitting, archetypally imbedded in a patient's psychic structure, acts as a powerful unconscious force to protect against the ego's perception of dangerous anxiety and intense affects. Rather than providing real protection, splitting leads to destructive behavior and turmoil in patients' lives, and the often confused reactions manifested by those who try to help. " (http://www.psychiatrictimes.com/display/article/10168/53911?verify=0)
These "confused reactions" are what hurt me the most. I was in love with her Dr. Jekyll personality. To be honest, I really could not think of a better partner than when she was calm, concise and in control. It was heaven on earth. A lot of BPD experts consider this to be a false persona, or a unattainable super-ego. While this may not be attainable as long as the illness controlled her life, I personally believe that this is who she was deep down, without the suffering, the walls, and the masks that plagued her highly reactive, unstable emotions. This was another reason why it is so hard to let go. Why leave someone who at times, is the epitome of perfection?
She was my angel, yet my devil, my liberator but also my jailer.
When Dr. Jekyll turned into Mrs. Hyde, it was devastating. I HAD to have Dr. Jekyll back. This need to have her acceptance and approval was necessary to my well being. This was my issue, this was my codependent/narcissistic deficiency. My common responses to this loss were panic attacks and overwhelming anxiety. At times, suicide seemed a welcoming way out. This terrafied me to think that I put so much of my own self-esteem and well-being into this girl that I was willing to do ANYTHING to end the pain of losing her.
I was willing to overlook the sins of Mr. Hyde and perform elaborate methods of trying to re-engage Dr. Jekyll.
Lying, infidelities, emotional and physical abuse, social embarrassment, financial instability.... these were all consequences I was willing to over-look to keep this girl from leaving me. If I could only have Dr. Jekyll for a moment at a time, it was worth any cost.
Much of the time, the cost was having to deal with extreme projection and splitting behaviors from my girlfriend. This resulted in a physical toll on my body as well as an emotional toll on my spirit. Constant anxiety, digestive problems, headaches, insomnia, panic attacks, and lack of appetite were common throughout these years.
The worst part of it all was having to accept that my fantasy that I had for us, was not real and would have to be shattered in order for me to recover. Like I said, i was in love with Dr. Jekyll. She was perfect in every aspect of the word perfection. She made my world turn in ways I had never experienced before.
Unfortunately, as I mentioned before, I was also addicted to both aspects of her "splitting" behavior. When she "worshipped" me, i became addicted to her laser-like focus. She made me feel as if I was her knight in shining armor, or her prince charming. This would soon come back to haunt me, when i failed to live up to these standards in which she worshipped me. As any human, I am flawed. Maybe more than average. I definitely have my faults.
Another aspect of splitting is the lack of Object Constancy. Object Constancy is where a person can see the object as having both "black" (flaws) and "white" (good qualities) and come up with a shade that they can either embrace or reject. Those that lack Object Constancy cannot, at any given time, see the the object as being both "black" and "white" or "gray". They either expunge the black and see only white, or paint the object complete black in their minds, they cannot be both. This creates an ever-changing object. From white to black, to back to black to white. This also is the reason why many psychologists consider borderlines to have faulty "selective" memories. Either remember their partner as ALL bad at times, or PERFECT. This also explains why the borderline will continue to go back to their partners later on as if "nothing" happened. They view their own image in this fashion as well.
As i said previously, when i was viewed as white, it fed into my super-ego self image. I now was validated that I was, in fact, a lovable person. I was elated, on top of the world, nothing could bring me down.
However, I also grew up with very low self esteem. When she painted me black, I also over-identified with her projections. The inner "wounded child" in me was validated by these projections of failure, worthlessness, and shame. This was second layer to my addiction to her. My super-ego self AND my wounded child self, both were being fed more than enough to stick around. I was addicted to both the highs and lows. The love and the hate. This is simply called "Traumatic Bonding." I became confused by the constant switch from love to hate, not knowing my right from my left or what was abuse and what was loving in my relationship with her.
This work is currently in progress. Check back for future updates.
"At a Co-Dependents Anonymous meeting one night, one of the people sharing there told me what it was like for her (to have BPD). She talked about her "cut and run" behavior. Every time she felt like the person she was with might hurt her (abandon her) - she herself left. "FU" were her words.
She said she could deal with her fearful emotions better when by herself, and when she was alone - her weaknesses weren't apparent to others. In other words she didn't have to admit her fears of abandonment to her partner.
Best of all, by doing the cut and run behavior herself, she avoided all the pain of possible abandonment - because She was the one doing the abandoning! And she did this abandoning behavior even though she knew it was only her mistaken perception that it might happen that was driving her. Whew!
She said she had no empathy for the person she was running from. If they had the potential to hurt her, they deserved the punishment she was dishing out.
She said she maid them "not exist" in her mind. They were "lowly, unworthy, non-human beings."
Through this mental manipulation, she could do hurtful things to others and not feel guilt, again because they deserved it "
After reading this, I was able to reflect back upon a lot of the chaos in my own relationship with my girlfriend. A lot of the times, the hatred did not make any sense. Most of the time, it was after weeks or months that I had considered "very loving" or "calm" only to be met with extreme emotional turmoil. I could never seem to achieve an environment of security and serenity, something i desperately sought. The harder I tried, the more she unraveled it. The more she unraveled it, the more desperate and frustrated I became, feeding into her fears of abandonment and self-loathing.
Always, I was made out to be the abuser and she the victim. This process is called "splitting." It is also one of the reasons why borderline relationships can become very addicting, especially to someone with low self-esteem or codependency.
Described below is an accurate definition of splitting:
" SPLITING refers to a primitive mechanism of defense characterized by a polarization of good feelings and bad feelings, of love and hate, of attachment and rejection. Splitting, archetypally imbedded in a patient's psychic structure, acts as a powerful unconscious force to protect against the ego's perception of dangerous anxiety and intense affects. Rather than providing real protection, splitting leads to destructive behavior and turmoil in patients' lives, and the often confused reactions manifested by those who try to help. " (http://www.psychiatrictimes.com/display/article/10168/53911?verify=0)
These "confused reactions" are what hurt me the most. I was in love with her Dr. Jekyll personality. To be honest, I really could not think of a better partner than when she was calm, concise and in control. It was heaven on earth. A lot of BPD experts consider this to be a false persona, or a unattainable super-ego. While this may not be attainable as long as the illness controlled her life, I personally believe that this is who she was deep down, without the suffering, the walls, and the masks that plagued her highly reactive, unstable emotions. This was another reason why it is so hard to let go. Why leave someone who at times, is the epitome of perfection?
She was my angel, yet my devil, my liberator but also my jailer.
When Dr. Jekyll turned into Mrs. Hyde, it was devastating. I HAD to have Dr. Jekyll back. This need to have her acceptance and approval was necessary to my well being. This was my issue, this was my codependent/narcissistic deficiency. My common responses to this loss were panic attacks and overwhelming anxiety. At times, suicide seemed a welcoming way out. This terrafied me to think that I put so much of my own self-esteem and well-being into this girl that I was willing to do ANYTHING to end the pain of losing her.
I was willing to overlook the sins of Mr. Hyde and perform elaborate methods of trying to re-engage Dr. Jekyll.
Lying, infidelities, emotional and physical abuse, social embarrassment, financial instability.... these were all consequences I was willing to over-look to keep this girl from leaving me. If I could only have Dr. Jekyll for a moment at a time, it was worth any cost.
Much of the time, the cost was having to deal with extreme projection and splitting behaviors from my girlfriend. This resulted in a physical toll on my body as well as an emotional toll on my spirit. Constant anxiety, digestive problems, headaches, insomnia, panic attacks, and lack of appetite were common throughout these years.
The worst part of it all was having to accept that my fantasy that I had for us, was not real and would have to be shattered in order for me to recover. Like I said, i was in love with Dr. Jekyll. She was perfect in every aspect of the word perfection. She made my world turn in ways I had never experienced before.
Unfortunately, as I mentioned before, I was also addicted to both aspects of her "splitting" behavior. When she "worshipped" me, i became addicted to her laser-like focus. She made me feel as if I was her knight in shining armor, or her prince charming. This would soon come back to haunt me, when i failed to live up to these standards in which she worshipped me. As any human, I am flawed. Maybe more than average. I definitely have my faults.
Another aspect of splitting is the lack of Object Constancy. Object Constancy is where a person can see the object as having both "black" (flaws) and "white" (good qualities) and come up with a shade that they can either embrace or reject. Those that lack Object Constancy cannot, at any given time, see the the object as being both "black" and "white" or "gray". They either expunge the black and see only white, or paint the object complete black in their minds, they cannot be both. This creates an ever-changing object. From white to black, to back to black to white. This also is the reason why many psychologists consider borderlines to have faulty "selective" memories. Either remember their partner as ALL bad at times, or PERFECT. This also explains why the borderline will continue to go back to their partners later on as if "nothing" happened. They view their own image in this fashion as well.
As i said previously, when i was viewed as white, it fed into my super-ego self image. I now was validated that I was, in fact, a lovable person. I was elated, on top of the world, nothing could bring me down.
However, I also grew up with very low self esteem. When she painted me black, I also over-identified with her projections. The inner "wounded child" in me was validated by these projections of failure, worthlessness, and shame. This was second layer to my addiction to her. My super-ego self AND my wounded child self, both were being fed more than enough to stick around. I was addicted to both the highs and lows. The love and the hate. This is simply called "Traumatic Bonding." I became confused by the constant switch from love to hate, not knowing my right from my left or what was abuse and what was loving in my relationship with her.
This work is currently in progress. Check back for future updates.
Introduction
I started this blog for therapeutic reasons by trying to achieve an environment I can adequately and safely release my feelings. Sure a journal might do the same trick, but i thought by releasing my feelings publicly, it might force me to sort out my excess baggage in an open environment, rather than a closed one. Why not a closed one? Possibly the same reason a sinner confesses to their bishop or pastor. Having an audience helps the person confront their feelings, rather than excuse or bottle them up.
Also, If this blog helps even one other person feel better about their own life, or acts as motivation to find emotional freedom once again from their abusive partner, I have succeeded beyond my original purpose.
Feel free to comment, criticize, admire or ask me questions. I am all ears.
Background:
For three long years of have struggled with a highly toxic relationship. For a good portion of those years, I had no clue what the name of this toxicity was, or even where to look. I flailed around like a fish out of water, so desperately trying to catch the next wave that would bring me back to the safety of the ocean where i could breathe again. Eventually I found the name for what I was struggling with, and the illness for which my partner was keeping me subjected to.
It was a toxic cocktail that hooks many couples together for brutal years of relationship turmoil. My people pleaser personality was a perfect fit for her waif-like one. The more i tried to rescue her, the more she pushed me away. The more she pushed me away, the more desperate I clung to her.
What I am referring to is the what mental health professionals call Borderline Personality Disorder.
In this blog, I will be sharing my pain, frustrations, weaknesses and observations on what it has been like for three years trying to cope with a partner who has BPD (borderline personality disorder). Although I must admit that myself and my own weaknesses and mishaps did contribute substantially to this mess of a relationship, I was constantly subject to a place of fear, obligation and guilt for my partner. A clever author has written a book about this process called "walking on eggshells." I like to refer to it as "walking on land mines," because a lot of the time, the consequences for not stepping lightly resulted in a huge explosion.
I hope this blog serves as a tool to better understanding Borderline Personality Disorder, Codependency, and Emotionally Abusive Relationships.
Thank you for your love and support.
-Kevin
Also, If this blog helps even one other person feel better about their own life, or acts as motivation to find emotional freedom once again from their abusive partner, I have succeeded beyond my original purpose.
Feel free to comment, criticize, admire or ask me questions. I am all ears.
Background:
For three long years of have struggled with a highly toxic relationship. For a good portion of those years, I had no clue what the name of this toxicity was, or even where to look. I flailed around like a fish out of water, so desperately trying to catch the next wave that would bring me back to the safety of the ocean where i could breathe again. Eventually I found the name for what I was struggling with, and the illness for which my partner was keeping me subjected to.
It was a toxic cocktail that hooks many couples together for brutal years of relationship turmoil. My people pleaser personality was a perfect fit for her waif-like one. The more i tried to rescue her, the more she pushed me away. The more she pushed me away, the more desperate I clung to her.
What I am referring to is the what mental health professionals call Borderline Personality Disorder.
In this blog, I will be sharing my pain, frustrations, weaknesses and observations on what it has been like for three years trying to cope with a partner who has BPD (borderline personality disorder). Although I must admit that myself and my own weaknesses and mishaps did contribute substantially to this mess of a relationship, I was constantly subject to a place of fear, obligation and guilt for my partner. A clever author has written a book about this process called "walking on eggshells." I like to refer to it as "walking on land mines," because a lot of the time, the consequences for not stepping lightly resulted in a huge explosion.
I hope this blog serves as a tool to better understanding Borderline Personality Disorder, Codependency, and Emotionally Abusive Relationships.
Thank you for your love and support.
-Kevin
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