Into the Chaos: The borderline mind.

Currently I am reading a book by Lynn Melville called "Boomerang Love". One of the first chapters helped me understand the chaos that occurs in the borderline mind. She shares her experience to meeting a borderline girl as follows:

"At a Co-Dependents Anonymous meeting one night, one of the people sharing there told me what it was like for her (to have BPD). She talked about her "cut and run" behavior. Every time she felt like the person she was with might hurt her (abandon her) - she herself left. "FU" were her words.

She said she could deal with her fearful emotions better when by herself, and when she was alone - her weaknesses weren't apparent to others. In other words she didn't have to admit her fears of abandonment to her partner.

Best of all, by doing the cut and run behavior herself, she avoided all the pain of possible abandonment - because She was the one doing the abandoning! And she did this abandoning behavior even though she knew it was only her mistaken perception that it might happen that was driving her. Whew!

She said she had no empathy for the person she was running from. If they had the potential to hurt her, they deserved the punishment she was dishing out.

She said she maid them "not exist" in her mind. They were "lowly, unworthy, non-human beings."

Through this mental manipulation, she could do hurtful things to others and not feel guilt, again because they deserved it "

After reading this, I was able to reflect back upon a lot of the chaos in my own relationship with my girlfriend. A lot of the times, the hatred did not make any sense. Most of the time, it was after weeks or months that I had considered "very loving" or "calm" only to be met with extreme emotional turmoil. I could never seem to achieve an environment of security and serenity, something i desperately sought. The harder I tried, the more she unraveled it. The more she unraveled it, the more desperate and frustrated I became, feeding into her fears of abandonment and self-loathing.

Always, I was made out to be the abuser and she the victim. This process is called "splitting." It is also one of the reasons why borderline relationships can become very addicting, especially to someone with low self-esteem or codependency.

Described below is an accurate definition of splitting:

" SPLITING refers to a primitive mechanism of defense characterized by a polarization of good feelings and bad feelings, of love and hate, of attachment and rejection. Splitting, archetypally imbedded in a patient's psychic structure, acts as a powerful unconscious force to protect against the ego's perception of dangerous anxiety and intense affects. Rather than providing real protection, splitting leads to destructive behavior and turmoil in patients' lives, and the often confused reactions manifested by those who try to help. " (http://www.psychiatrictimes.com/display/article/10168/53911?verify=0)

These "confused reactions" are what hurt me the most. I was in love with her Dr. Jekyll personality. To be honest, I really could not think of a better partner than when she was calm, concise and in control. It was heaven on earth. A lot of BPD experts consider this to be a false persona, or a unattainable super-ego. While this may not be attainable as long as the illness controlled her life, I personally believe that this is who she was deep down, without the suffering, the walls, and the masks that plagued her highly reactive, unstable emotions. This was another reason why it is so hard to let go. Why leave someone who at times, is the epitome of perfection?
She was my angel, yet my devil, my liberator but also my jailer.

When Dr. Jekyll turned into Mrs. Hyde, it was devastating. I HAD to have Dr. Jekyll back. This need to have her acceptance and approval was necessary to my well being. This was my issue, this was my codependent/narcissistic deficiency. My common responses to this loss were panic attacks and overwhelming anxiety. At times, suicide seemed a welcoming way out. This terrafied me to think that I put so much of my own self-esteem and well-being into this girl that I was willing to do ANYTHING to end the pain of losing her.

I was willing to overlook the sins of Mr. Hyde and perform elaborate methods of trying to re-engage Dr. Jekyll.

Lying, infidelities, emotional and physical abuse, social embarrassment, financial instability.... these were all consequences I was willing to over-look to keep this girl from leaving me. If I could only have Dr. Jekyll for a moment at a time, it was worth any cost.

Much of the time, the cost was having to deal with extreme projection and splitting behaviors from my girlfriend. This resulted in a physical toll on my body as well as an emotional toll on my spirit. Constant anxiety, digestive problems, headaches, insomnia, panic attacks, and lack of appetite were common throughout these years.

The worst part of it all was having to accept that my fantasy that I had for us, was not real and would have to be shattered in order for me to recover. Like I said, i was in love with Dr. Jekyll. She was perfect in every aspect of the word perfection. She made my world turn in ways I had never experienced before.

Unfortunately, as I mentioned before, I was also addicted to both aspects of her "splitting" behavior. When she "worshipped" me, i became addicted to her laser-like focus. She made me feel as if I was her knight in shining armor, or her prince charming. This would soon come back to haunt me, when i failed to live up to these standards in which she worshipped me. As any human, I am flawed. Maybe more than average. I definitely have my faults.

Another aspect of splitting is the lack of Object Constancy. Object Constancy is where a person can see the object as having both "black" (flaws) and "white" (good qualities) and come up with a shade that they can either embrace or reject. Those that lack Object Constancy cannot, at any given time, see the the object as being both "black" and "white" or "gray". They either expunge the black and see only white, or paint the object complete black in their minds, they cannot be both. This creates an ever-changing object. From white to black, to back to black to white. This also is the reason why many psychologists consider borderlines to have faulty "selective" memories. Either remember their partner as ALL bad at times, or PERFECT. This also explains why the borderline will continue to go back to their partners later on as if "nothing" happened. They view their own image in this fashion as well.

As i said previously, when i was viewed as white, it fed into my super-ego self image. I now was validated that I was, in fact, a lovable person. I was elated, on top of the world, nothing could bring me down.

However, I also grew up with very low self esteem. When she painted me black, I also over-identified with her projections. The inner "wounded child" in me was validated by these projections of failure, worthlessness, and shame. This was second layer to my addiction to her. My super-ego self AND my wounded child self, both were being fed more than enough to stick around. I was addicted to both the highs and lows. The love and the hate. This is simply called "Traumatic Bonding." I became confused by the constant switch from love to hate, not knowing my right from my left or what was abuse and what was loving in my relationship with her.

This work is currently in progress. Check back for future updates.