I started this blog for therapeutic reasons by trying to achieve an environment I can adequately and safely release my feelings. Sure a journal might do the same trick, but i thought by releasing my feelings publicly, it might force me to sort out my excess baggage in an open environment, rather than a closed one. Why not a closed one? Possibly the same reason a sinner confesses to their bishop or pastor. Having an audience helps the person confront their feelings, rather than excuse or bottle them up.
Also, If this blog helps even one other person feel better about their own life, or acts as motivation to find emotional freedom once again from their abusive partner, I have succeeded beyond my original purpose.
Feel free to comment, criticize, admire or ask me questions. I am all ears.
Background:
For three long years of have struggled with a highly toxic relationship. For a good portion of those years, I had no clue what the name of this toxicity was, or even where to look. I flailed around like a fish out of water, so desperately trying to catch the next wave that would bring me back to the safety of the ocean where i could breathe again. Eventually I found the name for what I was struggling with, and the illness for which my partner was keeping me subjected to.
It was a toxic cocktail that hooks many couples together for brutal years of relationship turmoil. My people pleaser personality was a perfect fit for her waif-like one. The more i tried to rescue her, the more she pushed me away. The more she pushed me away, the more desperate I clung to her.
What I am referring to is the what mental health professionals call Borderline Personality Disorder.
In this blog, I will be sharing my pain, frustrations, weaknesses and observations on what it has been like for three years trying to cope with a partner who has BPD (borderline personality disorder). Although I must admit that myself and my own weaknesses and mishaps did contribute substantially to this mess of a relationship, I was constantly subject to a place of fear, obligation and guilt for my partner. A clever author has written a book about this process called "walking on eggshells." I like to refer to it as "walking on land mines," because a lot of the time, the consequences for not stepping lightly resulted in a huge explosion.
I hope this blog serves as a tool to better understanding Borderline Personality Disorder, Codependency, and Emotionally Abusive Relationships.
Thank you for your love and support.
-Kevin
Very well, I will be the first to comment. I found your blog truly insightful and yet I know through talking with you that you are fully aware of the consequences and hardships that you face with your relationship. Yet somehow you manage to put yourself in the same situation that you know is bound to lead to hardship and heartache. Where do you draw the line and wake up from the dream world of being able to change this current situation for the better? I realize how much time has been devoted. I understand the nature of trying to always be the good guy. Where does YOUR happiness fit in to YOUR plan for the rest of your life? When do your say "I live for myself and those who want me to be me?" The cycle has to end at some point of personal enlightenment. The question is when do you discover that you have already reached that point and now it's just up to you as to whether or not you are going to accept the truth.
ReplyDelete"Yet somehow you manage to put yourself in the same situation that you know is bound to lead to hardship and heartache. Where do you draw the line and wake up from the dream world of being able to change this current situation for the better?"
ReplyDeleteThis is called codependency. Not being able to give up fantasies is the root of the problem. To someone with people pleasing narcissism (www.gettinbetter.com/needlove) it is hard to identify ones own needs without feeling guilty and selfish.
For me, i don't know when I will reach that point of radical acceptance (http://www.borderlinepersonality.ca/bpdandradicalacceptance.htm) and letting go. I do know that it will be when i finally purge myself of my codependent fantasies and accept life as it really is: Nasty, brutish and short :P